by Amanda Romero, LMHCA

Anyone else having trouble balancing finding your own holiday magic with keeping the holiday stress at bay?

Do you hate the holidays or winter? Is this a hard time of year for you? If so, you've come to the right place.

In this blog post, I'm going break down two big things that can help with this holiday and winter season: 1) finding joy and rest during this time and 2) establishing healthy holiday and get-together boundaries (and how to do that!).

Finding Joy and Rest

Living within the natural rhythm of winter is not always easy, especially since our unnatural 24 hours of light, task oriented days, and unrealistic expectations of what we should be doing can all get in the way. Our 21st-century lives make it hard to be present and listen to our bodies' needs: the need to rest, the need to slow down, the need to go within and reflect. Even though we are not getting enough energy from the sun in the winter, for some reason we still continue to try to force ourselves to live as energetically and enthusiastically as we do in the summer.

I believe there is a medicine in the darkness and stillness of the long winter nights. Lke all things in nature (and, believe it or not, we are a part of nature), we also need--and our bodies crave--to slow down. We may find ourselves sleeping more, napping, staying in more often, and wanting to go out less. This desire to slow down is why for many the holidays can feel so dysregulating as oftentimes we will overexert ourselves with social plans and to-do lists.

It is okay to feel tired; it is okay to need to slow down; it is okay to say no to things and honor the winter of your past year. Winter is the time to be gentle on ourselves, mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially. Eat some nourishing foods, make more time for rest, and get outside and connect with the (often cold and quiet) present. What would it feel like to work with your natural energy in here-and-now instead of feeling obligated to match the energy of everyone around you?

Try prioritizing what really matters to you, instead of being distracted by the external noise of everything else screaming for your attention. If you are unsure of what really matters to you, then make a list of what you think might matter. Next, remove everything--yes, cross all items off the list--and think: what did I just cross off that I actually need to live a happy life? That is what really matters.

During this time of focusing on others, give yourself permission to also prioritize your own needs, take a day off, take a nap, or catch up with someone who supports you. If you are someone who has trouble finding the holiday magic or just "hates winter" then I have an exercise for you to help you get through these next few dark months:

The Winter Bucket List

Make a list of all the things you would find enjoyable to do during this time. Here are some ideas to get you started:
- see the zoolights
- watch a winter meteor shower
- bake silly looking cookies
- attend or host an ugly sweater party
- see the Nutcracker
- sit by a fire
- snuggle with a loved one
- donate or volunteer
- do some random acts of kindness
...and whatever else you'd put on your list.
Next, do whatever sounds good to you, and if you feel stumped for more ideas, try searching online for "winter bucket lists". There are some great ones out there!

By making time for yourself, getting the right kind of rest (which I will go into in more depth in next month's article), and doing things that bring you joy, you improve the chances that this winter season won't be one of intentional peace and joy instead of one you simply struggle or trudge through.

Healthy Boundaries

Do you dread family, extended family, or even friends' get-togethers? Do you hate wondering if you will get seated at the kids' table again even though you are entering your thirtys? Is there always that one person who singles you out and makes you feel like a child again? Let's dig into the different types of holiday boundaries to avoid and comfortably move through these types of uncomfortable situations.

Emotional Boundaries

These boundaries surround the things that are private on the inside (our secrets):

• "When are you going to bring someone home?"
• "When are you going to have kids?"
• "When are you going to buy a house?" etc.

These are all private matters and you do not owe anyone an answer to these kinds of questions. Politics are another common one. If a conversation surrounding these topics is becoming uncomfortable for you and you feel okay with asking to change the subject, do that. If you do not, then you can remove yourself from the conversation. Phrases such as, "I'm going to get something to drink" or "I'm going to step outside for a minute" or "I'm going to use the restroom" might help to give you that space and the breather that you need. For particularly difficult family situations, it may even help to make a list of one-line exits in advance.

Another option is to be honest about not wanting to talk about a subject. I like to respond in these situations with something like, "That is actually really private, but I appreciate your concern. Please tell me more about... [some topic they can tell you about]." Close the door to the private subject and move on gently. Another possible phrase (particularly if you've just received unsolicited advice) is: "I feel like that is pretty personal; please trust that I am making the best choices for myself." 

Mental Boundaries

Often when we go home or are in familiar family situations, we revert to older versions of ourselves that don't feel like they "fit" the person we have become. Remember: you are not the same child from Christmas past. Do not allow others to force you into old roles. Comments like, "Oh, it's little [your name], do you still do [this or that thing]?" That is not who you are any more. Try gently responding, "I'm not six years old anymore, but thank you for remembering me that way. Currently, I am into... [whatever new hobby you enjoy]." If your family member is open to it, this approach might bring them into the present with you. At the very least, saying this out loud reminds YOU that you are not the person they are still imagining you to be.

In these circumstances, also remember to give yourself some self-compassion. Rebuilding your self-concept around relatives or in childhood environments can be exhausing. Allow yourself the space to leave if you need it, as well as the time and energy boundaries mentioned next.

Time and Energy Boundaries

Are you respecting your own time and energy boundaries? Or are you saying yes to everything--cooking this, going to that event, helping kids with other things, driving Auntie to such-and-such place? Are you overextending yourself? This boundary is one of the easiest to overlook this time of year, and yet so incredibly important. Pay attention to what your body is telling you. If you feel any hesitancy when asked to do one more thing, then try politely declining: "Oh, I'm so sorry, I won't be able to do that. I've already committed to something else that day." (They don't need to know that your other committment is to yourself!)

Also, your time and peace of mind matters too. You can leave the party at any time. When your body says, "I want to leave NOW", what would it feel like to honor that? What about when it says, "I'm feeling tired," what would it feel like to go home or to go to another room to lay down? These things are absolutely okay to do and are ways you can remind yourself how much YOU matter.

Avoiding contact (especially when you've requested NOT to be contacted) is also a way of setting a time and energy boundary. This can look like (after the holidays) saying, "It was SO good to see everyone during the holidays, but I think I am going to need some time to recover. I won't be available for get-togethers until the end of January; thank you for understanding." You do not owe anyone anything, certainly not your time. Take the time you need to recharge.

Lastly, for time and energy boundaries, I love planning "do-nothing days" into my weeks. I cross the whole day out on my calendar and know that I cannot make plans for that day. That is my day to REST unapologetically, because resting IS doing something and accomplishing something for my needs. Make sure you are planning rest into this hectic time so you do not burn out.

Wrapping It All Up in Time for the Holidays

(...see what I did there?)

So, now you might be wondering, how do I implement these ideas into my life right now? Get your calendar out, block out time for do-nothing days, assess if you have too many plans, or if you want to make a list of more life-enhancing activities than those currently on your schedule, do that. Take time to sit in the dim glow of the early evenings, slow down, and reflect on your year or the past few years. How do you feel about the last year? What would you change moving forward? Personally I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions; instead, I like to reflect on what one word is that I want to describe myself next year? This last year my word was unburdened and that was fun to work towards. What would your word be?

As you head into your holiday get-togethers, remember that you do not have to fulfill any old roles or sit with family making you uncomfortable about your life choices. You can leave at any moment and, if that is a worry for you, drive yourself to the event or have a back-up plan for leaving. You do not deserve to be made to feel uncomfortable by anyone and you do not owe anyone anything. Allow yourself the chance to slow down, reflect, be present, do what you want to do, and NOT do what you don't want to do. Allow yourself to enjoy this season and find the mgic.

Happy Holidays from everyone at Twin Lakes Counseling!