by Amanda Romero, LMHCA
One of my favorite questions to ask my clients is, "What does success look like to you?" To me, it is also important to ask, "What does it look and feel like?" because I like to challenge people to imagine this success, if they can, to see it in their mind -- all of the colors, the sounds, smells, and feelings.
Here is what I've noticed from the people I've talked to about this: younger people tend to be more future oriented, grasping for something they feel they still have not earned or that is just beyond their reach. Conversely I find that older individuals' definition of success is often more based in having an increased and deeper connection with the present, feeling relaxed, and being lifestyle-oriented.
Starting Out with Society's Standards for Ourselves
From younger folks, I've heard -- and I've caught myself saying! -- "When I get..." or "Once I do..." These statements are typicallyl based around doing something, accomplishing something, or even experiencing exciting feelings. So much of our preconceived ideas about what success looks like is getting that job, settling down, or maybe having kids. But let me ask you -- do you know people who have those things and are still unhappy? Unfortunately, many of us do. So who said "Land the job, get the girl, and settle down" was the anser? Why do we keep using this myth and false standard for success and ultimately as our definition of a happy life?
Can I share something with you? (I hope you are saying yes...) When I was in my ealry twenties I turned down CIA recruitment because I always knew I wanted to have a simpler life. Back then I would have said that simply finishing graduate school and finallly working in my field would have made me successful. However, once I made it to the top of that mountain I had to ask the very serious question of, "Okay, now what?" Now, I know it would have been pretty cool to have ended up in the CIA, but even then that fast life did not equate to success for me. It still doesn't.
Society is Unhappy as a Whole and May Have Got Some Things Wrong
As we grow older, our definition of success and happiness starts to change. It becomes more personalized and congruent to our true selves. The cognitive ability and life experience to be able to focus more on what really matters allows older people to sift though the constant barrage of noice and visual stimulation tha tries to distract them. Having defined life values and experiences helps people know more about what fulfills them and what adds meaning to their lives.
Many people experienced this shift in 2020, as we all felt the reality of our mortality a little bit more. People started to take this question of success and happiness a bit more seriously. A vast amount of people struggled physically, emotinoally, and mentally. Many still are. Much of our core lifestyles were shaken or just completely broken. The silver lining here is that rebuilding from scratch allows us to build new dreams an dmore accurate concepts of fulfillment, success, and happiness.
Today, the answer to the success question for me at least is still a simpler life, but here is what has changed. Instead of just seeing a stale picture, I now actually imagine myself there and ask myself the question, "What would it feel like to actually live there?" Lazy mornings on the porch drinking sweet tea, children's giggles heard from the garden, early evening sunlight streaming in through the windows casting everything in a golden glow as I read dystopian survival novels, dark evenings with family lit and warmed by a fire pit (gas obviously -- we still live in Washington State).
If you were to throw away society's standard that was set for you long before you were even born, embrace your weirdness, truly enjoy your passions without fear of judgement, and step fully into your true self, what would change for you? What daily choices would you be making? What do you authentically want for yourself?
Now that you've started to imagine "success," my final question to you now (and I want you to really imagine it!) is, "What does living that life actually look like?
