by Amanda Romero, LMHCA
This can be a really scary question and a heavy topic for many people.
Some of you might nope out after just reading the headline.
However, if you're in a space where you can access the courage to do so, I want you to ask yourself, “Do I actually know what to do when a loved one dies?”
Now you might be thinking, “Whoa Amanda, why are you writing about this??”
Because we as a society need to talk about this topic more.
Taboo topics do not help anyone and only hurt people when those individuals go through experiences with either the wrong information or too little information. Taboos breed loneliness and make pain more difficult to discuss. Please allow me to gently walk along with you through the three major components of what to do when dealing with death: Pre-Death Planning, Disposition, and Funeral or After Life Services & Recovery For the Living.
Pre-Death Planning
Did you know that there are people who can help you or a loved one prepare for death? Just as we have Birthing Doulas, there are also individuals called Death Doulas who are well versed in helping people of all ages and cultures prepare for their passing.
Death Doulas can help their clients accept the reality of their mortality and eventual deaths as well as help make sure all of their client’s paperwork is prepared. This paperwork can include the client’s wishes for their end of life care, recommendations on who can help prepare their will (which is for their estate and assets) as well as their death plans (transportation, funeral home, and disposition method).
Two Death Doula services that I recommend: Forget-Me-Not and A Sacred Passing. Even if you don't end up using either of these, browsing their websites can help you think more about what types of services a Death Doula might offer.
Please note that since the executor of an estate deals with only with assets and that power of attorney ends once someone has died (unless specifically written, “in life and after death”), then it would likely be the next of kin who will decide on disposition. To take that burden off your loved one and make sure your wishes are followed, most Death Doulas will tell you the best option is to self-authorize (sign all of your own paperwork yourself before death).
Disposition
Once a loved one has passed, the first thing to do is call 911 if they are not on hospice care or at a facility. Contrary to many people's preconceived beliefs, many of the individuals that will show up for transportation for the decedent will be small and female. Their job is to remove the body safely and in a humanizing way.
At this point Washington State legally recognizes five different disposition methods:
Traditional (this might include embalming and using a casket)
Natural (no embalming and using either a pine box or shroud)
Natural Organic Reduction (no embalming; uses a natural organic reduction-to-soil process)
Cremation (disposition through a fire-based process)
Aquamation (also known as alkaline hydrolysis, this is a water-based, sustainable method for disposition)
Unfortunately, there is no such thing as tree seeds or tree pods for disposition, as this is highly unsustainable and not physically possible for many different reasons. The closest anyone can get to this idea -for the foreseeable future- is using the soil that comes with terramation; however, that soil would need to be mixed with ground soil as the terramation soil is too rich and would burn out any plant life.
Funeral or After-Life Services & Recovery For the Living
The final component to the death process is what we do for the living afterwards. Not everyone has a funeral; some people may prefer a Celebration of Life and some may wish not to do either. If you do wish to have a funeral, your funeral director can recommend whether or not to have a viewing, depending on the condition of the loved one when they passed away. Your funeral director will notify Social Security for you as well.
If after this point you or a loved one is still suffering with severe grief that is impacting the quality of life then two helpful options may be to seek working with a licensed therapist or a certified Grief Recovery specialist. Grief is an experience that we all go through and yet are never really prepared for, so talking to a professional can be very beneficial and help the process be completed as much as possible.
So now we have covered Pre-Death Planning, Disposition, and Funeral or After Life Services & Recovery For the Living. You know who to talk to before a death if you are able to have time to plan, what your options are for disposition, and the options for afterwards. Hopefully this topic is feeling a little less scary and a little less taboo to you. The best thing we can all do to prepare for our eventual deaths is to talk about it.
